i hate the rain. as far as i recall i never liked the rain. for some sick strange reason, my mood is affected by rain. the only thing nice about a rainy day is the fact that it has an end. pretty soon the sun will be back.
no what if, god (or at least the Christian God) decides to flood the earth once again? if god’s incarnation on earth is morgan freeman, then he would be one cool divinity. but that’s beside the point. going back, what if the many days and nights of torrential rain will come? ah the drama that would unfold once the trimming of the species will take place
1. it will finally be revealed that noah’s decendants are all employed with aboitiz now and that all these years, they’ve been perfecting the use of steel to replace the wood which were supposedly what the arks will be made of
2. people from abs-cbn and endemol would be the first in to prepare the ark to make it livable. they would have to install all those two-way mirrors and cameras. big brother was to keep everyone entertained aboard by asking everyone to perform intelligence-inducing tasks like pretend to be pretending to have a crush on someone who’s also pretending that being a part of this show will build character
3. pairs of each specie shall be asked to board in… a singles party will be setup at the base of the plank so that single people would have the chance to start hooking up or be denied entry to the ark
4. all passengers are to pay for their fare. those who don’t have enough will be allowed as well. manny villar will pay for their fares and shamelessly campaign for the highest seat in the god-forsaken boat
5. another politician will sponsor one of the most basic necessities – glutathione. it’s gonna be a rough ride stuck in the open water for about forty days, at least fair skin will be something to look forward to once it’s over
6. all window seats will be reserved for the board of censors, moralists, religious fanatics, alcoholics, workaholics, megalomaniacs, peeping toms, perverts, emotional fuckwits, fashion victims, the pinoy idol judges and dumb chauvinists. these window seats shall be equipped with state-of-the-art ejection mechanisms that will set off at the slightest provocations. a special banner crediting and thanking bridget jones for identifying some of the criteria shall be put up at the entrance
7. in case some stupid pair of lovers would make the sex-starved captain’s crew neglect seeing an everest-sized iceberg leading to the inevitable crash and possible sinking of the ark, madam auring shall lead a pack of sexy starlets in keeping it afloat using their implants. the entire philippine government shall begin a ceremony which involves lecturing about how they are beacons of public service, integrity and purity of the soul – this, legend says, is a sure way to invoke the fires of hell upon them which will melt the iceberg and save everyone
8. once the rain is over, a text vote shall be initiated once again by abs-cbn to determine which dove will be used to look for that olive branch. they will market the idea as ” we want you to decide” though in reality they will charge P15.00 for each text… 15 x 100,000 votes = instant 1,500,000! as a consuelo-de-bobo, one texter will win P1,000 load! yipee
9. upon exit, most of everything would be washed off the face of the earth and it will be the task of everyone at the ark to repopulate the planet. however there will be one condition – they will answer the most important question of all: ARE WE GOOD?
10. in the end, after being stuck in the boat for so long, everyone will realize that we’re all bisexuals deep inside… AND WE ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER