Between The Lines Of Fear And Blame

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When I was way younger, I always thought one of the most difficult things any man would even have to deal with is the death of a friend. At that point I was thankful that I haven’t experienced that and I believed that I won’t be given something like that to face if I wasn’t strong enough to handle it. Years passed and perhaps I am now so much stronger than I had been back then.

In less than a year, I didn’t just lose one friend, I lost three.

Ruby (or Dyosa as I call her) has been an officemate for eight years. Though we were never really really close, still she remains as a friend. You know those people who you hardly share too many intimate details with but still at that level where you share so many things (laughs especially) together. I look up to her for her strength. She’s a tough girl who’s been through a lot and flourished despite the challenges. A couple of months before she passed, we even texted and one of the last things she said was if she needed my help she’s call me – in which I of course gladly said yes to. She took her life and I never really knew what and how big her problem was.

Jeff (or Djudjelle to us) has been one of our closest childhood friends. Through all those years we remained close despite the different roads we took as we grew up. We all lived different lives and his was, like we always told him, going to be the death of him. He lived life to the fullest and enjoyed everything in it. It just got all too extreme. All those nights he hardly slept, drowned in booze and bad friends. We love him dearly. His passing came as a surprise – we never thought death would come so close to us again.

Ruru (or Rurubelle to me) has been one of the kindest, most sensitive souls that ever walked this Earth. Being in HR, I was one of his confidants. I cared for him the way I looked after the welfare of our employees. Though we were never really very close, we remained friends and stayed in touch for a couple of years and chatted regularly. I knew he had a major heartbreak a couple of months back and I even gave him assurances that he’ll bounce back and that if he needed someone to talk to I was there. I thought he would bounce back. I thought he would finally let go of that guy who hurt him so. I was wrong. I was shocked to learn Ruru gave up the fight. He took his life over some stupid bastard. I’m not blaming you Ru but no man is ever worth it. We were all here for you, had you asked for help.

I know it’s my usual self to be all gloomy but Ruru’s was a wakeup call for me of sorts. I try hard to be a good friend to all my friends. I’m here whenever you’d call me. I know I won’t be able to carry all your burdens nor solve all of the problems you might be facing. But I’m here.  If you need me just call me and though at times I might fail, I will be there for you one way or another. The fear of losing another friend is something I don’t think I have the strength for yet. I’m not here to save the world, I’m just here to be a friend.

Oh this is gonna make me cry.

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One thought on “Between The Lines Of Fear And Blame

  1. right now, I still dont know if i have the strength to face this kind of situation… I know it’ll be hard, and I’ll be weak, i think. This is sad. 😦 and that song…. gah!

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