I never had any solid male influence.
My dad, as far as I remember, was a disciplinarian who hardly showed any direct affection towards us. Although I have no doubt whatsoever that he loved us, he’s one of those people who aren’t really showy. I have zero recollection of a fun, light-hearted moment with him. He was too busy bringing food (and booze) to the table. He was a good provider but looking back, I feel like I we never really got to know each other as much as we should have. I knew I made him proud. I had good grades – exceptional even. I hardly got into any fights and basically did everything he asked me to do. But somehow, it felt like there was this wall that he put up between us. Like there were so many things he didn’t want me to know about him. So in short, up to the time that he died my dad and I didn’t have any father-son moment. That’s something that I wish we had. So that I’d know how to run my life the way he did. He was my first hero, naturally. He seemed like he ruled the world, that there wasn’t any problem he couldn’t solve.
I have a brother, an older half-brother. He would have been a good substitute father figure since he was like 8 years older than me. But he is such a disappointment. He did things that would break any parent’s heart. He is unbelievably irresponsible, devoid of any drive to succeed and had the logic of a kindergarten. So, out with that one. If there was a ranking of the world’s worst influences, his name would be way up there.
The closest I got to a decent male influence is my former boss, my mentor, my friend – who I affectionately call Dumbledore. He called me Harry. We were both fans of the series (obviously) and I put him on such high esteem that I seriously think that if he was a wizard, he’d be the real Dumbledore. He to me is one of the best bosses who ever walked this earth. He was smart, blunt, generally righteous and sees things in a perspective all his own. He taught me so much about leadership and doing the job well. I give him credit for most of the things I know and use. If circumstances were different, I would be glad to go back to his team. Too bad for me.
I think it’s normal for any man to look for another man to look up to. Like some sort of model you could pattern yourself to. Like a dad who will push you till you fall and then picks you up to tell you it’s gonna be okay. I miss my dad.