Junkie

goldengate-bridge_998535i

“Are your thoughts results of static cling?”

It’s hard to keep a level head when you’re lost in a delirious haze of your own making. It’s sweet, it’s crazy, completely exhilarating. It’s a fantasy at the brink of a brilliant nightmare. You and I are like that Foo Fighter video for Walking After You.

Reason would hold you back. Logic will pull you out. It’s like standing at the edge of a steep, slippery incline. You know that down below would be your demise and your head keeps telling you to take a step back.

But it’s such a rush. You are such a sweet, sweet rush and I’m the idiot who’s thinking of taking more of it.

A sad junkie who needs to get his shit together.

Of Trials and Truths

Screen-shot-2012-11-10-at-14.36.43

 

Everybody talks about going through the fire for someone. Everybody talks about going through hell for someone.

And here I am asking, why? Why would we want someone who we supposedly love go through so much for the sake of proving how much they care for you? I don’t think I will ever fathom this.

I always believed (and I wrote about it so many times) that when you love someone, you take everything as is, where is. It’s that leap. People always wish for that unconditional, all-consuming, no-questions-asked kind of love – but ironically, a lot of those people are the ones who have the conditions and the questions. These are the ones who require proof.

I’ve never been a fan of tough love. True, I’m not really the easiest person to love but I don’t think I will consciously put someone through so much just to prove that they love me. Maybe it’s because I believe that if you love someone, you need to put a little more faith in the feeling, and the person. It’s never a good sign if you keep hurting someone again and again and then telling them that if they love you, you would bear the pain no matter how intense. That if you even flinch, that means they’re lying about loving you.

It could be true that a love that surpasses many trials tend to become stronger, but I think that that only applies if the trials come from a source other than the two people in the relationship. If someone in the relationship starts making things tough for the other, then something must be seriously wrong.

I have loved so many times and and even more time I lost. I wouldn’t consider myself a player but I’ve been around the block. I fight for what I feel until I know that everything is in vain. Like the song says, the only thing I need is to know is if there’s still something left worth fighting for.

The Beg Card

Image

 

Perhaps it’s safe to say that being in a romantic relationship with someone is actually a lot like card games. At the start of all relationships, two people are handed a deck of cards they could play throughout various stages of the relationships. And just like in most card games, knowing when and how to play each card can mean the difference between staying happy or being brutally kicked out of the game.  

One important card is the Beg Card. At the start of the relationship, each player is provided with a Beg Card. Possibly one of the best times to use the Beg Card is when the relationship is going through a particularly rough patch (read: imminent breakup). That’s when you would want the Card to work – because your heart would shatter into a million pieces should it fail. Powered by desperation love, Beg Cards ideally should trump all reason and win the other person back. Using the Beg Card at this point is like putting a knife through your shoulder blade and slowly dragging it to your navel. You’re left bleeding with your heart exposed, ready to be shot. You’ll cry buckets of tears. Oh yes you will. All for the gamble of making the other person stay. Hoping against hope that they will change their mind.

Despite the cost, we all still use the Beg Card. Especially if the thought of losing the other person is more unbearable. Even if it means going down on your knees or crying in the middle of an empty street at one in the morning and realizing the other person’s not coming out to see you. Begging is such a pain.

When I used mine. That’s love, right there. 

Hearts and Arrows

 

Image

There has got to be a reason why Cupid rhymes with stupid.

It’s the love month and I’m not going to be some bitter guy ranting about not believing in love. Yada, yada, yada. No. I think despite everything, I still believe so much in love. It doesn’t necessarily mean loving the feeling but really just embracing the fact that love does make one go through a whirlwind.

Love hurts. I think most people could agree with that. Loving and hurting go hand in hand. It’s not that bad, actually. When you think about it, meeting someone and finding yourself falling for that person is kind of romantic but at the same time there’s always that fear of not being loved back – thus the pain. And yet, sometimes you choose to risk the pain because you feel like this person is worth it. If you’re lucky, that other person would feel the same way – which then leads to the next pain. That ache you feel when you’re not physically near the person. Missing someone terribly is, well terrible. You find yourself playing that kiss in your head over and over. Or you just rub your own hands, trying to imagine that other person’s hand in yours. Ah that ache. It can drive someone crazy, you know. Trust me, I know.

And then when the ache gets too much to bear (especially if you have the emotional range of a six-year-old), you end up thinking crazy thought and doing even crazier things. That wouldn’t be too bad unless it gets expressed and the other person starts resenting you for being so clingy. Clingy’s not that bad, isn’t it? Well, yes to some extent. But it can be flattering and cute, right? Please say I’m right. So you get all clingy and then you turn into this unlovable, unattractive lunatic. Or as what my friends call it, having a Carrie (Bradshaw) moment. That, “What are we?!?” moment. That point when you transform from that sweet person into a neurotic idiot who makes mountains out of mole hills and end up pushing away the person who you so desperately want to see more often. Why do these things happen to even the best of us?

I recently discovered Ed Sheeran’s album. It had that song called Give Me Love. I swear I’ve never been affected by a song this much in a long time. It’s like a drug to me. And then I saw the video. It was about Cupid. Cupid who shot a lot of people. Made them all fall in love,  and when there was too much love, overwhelmed her (yes, Cupid was a woman) and in the end, made her stick an arrow on her neck. How ironic isn’t it? Stupid Cupid. The save though was that the paramedic who saw her dead fell in love with her, which brought her back to life. Talk about getting a taste of your own medicine.

That’s how twisted love can be. How it turns your knees into jelly, your brain into soup and sets your heart into overdrive. And yet you seek it. Like an addict looking for his fix. Like a masochist. Like a mindless zombie whose universe revolves around one person. That one person who’s the center of your universe – at least while you’re still bearable.

 

 

The World Is My Shower

As far as I can remember, I have always been a musical kid. You know how in those interviews of the families of pop stars where they would always say that their house was never quiet because there was always a lot of singing and performing? Well that’s pretty much how it was in our house – minus the singing kid becoming an actual singer who made records and stuff. The thing about my parents is that they never really stopped us from doing whatever we liked, but then they didn’t exactly push us either. I never had any singing lessons although I did try joining contests – I never won LOL. For years I would sing in public like I’m in the shower and I didn’t care. I knew I could carry a tune at least.

Fast forward a couple of decades and here comes SoundCloud. It provided people like me to record songs that people could listen to and if they like it enough, download. It was my personal Billboard. I had my own “hit singles” and in my head at least I was a pop star. Indulge me on this, will you? Everything is recorded on either my iPhone or iPad. No fancy backing tracks or audio enhancements. Just me. And the youtube instrumentals.

OK so here are some of my covers. Just click the play button. Hope you like listening to it as much as I enjoyed singing it.

Schadenfreude

 

The definition is simple. It’s taking pleasure over another’s misfortune. It’s feeling good over someone’s pain.

Let’s flip the tables a little bit. Those definitions could be true should the premise be that the bad things happened and you felt glad it did. But what if the pleasure came before the pain? What if, the pleasure comes in doing things that could bring pain to people? What if the pleasure, and the consequences of it bringing destruction, is consented. Sounds taboo.

Think of it this way, don’t romantics always say that the strongest feelings can never be held back? The idea of not caring about the aftermath? Ah but maybe that only works on books and movies. Does it actually work in real life?

Somebody lectured me on the virtues of having open communication. How it keeps things plain and simple in their relationship, therefore making it work. Does that work for everyone? Maybe not. Some of us live for the drama, the excitement of elaborate plots and storylines. Will anyone ever know?

It has always been about losing control. A couple of drinks. A couple of strokes on the face. A bite on the hand? Recipe for a war where the stakes are too high.

Secrets. everyone has secrets. There’s nothing like two people sharing a good secret. Schadenfreude is at work and someone’s having fun with it.